Marriage Or Degree - Which Comes First?
I think most of us parents tend to teach our children self-restraint and patience until actually they are able to afford to get married, usually one year or two after they graduate from a university.
Who told you this is what you're supposed to do to your children? Teach them restraint; restraint from what?
If you had a horse, and you want this horse to be a good runner, he’s a year old and you say “No, not yet.” Then he’s two years old and you say “No, not yet”. He’s three years old and you say, “OK now I’m ready to take my three years old horse on a race track, and let him run.” I got news for you; this horse won’t make it all the way around because he never ran. It’s finished before he even get started, because he has nothing to build on and he’s too old.
Who created the human being, You? And not only that, but you know that’s wrong because that is not what we were taught, that is not what’s Islam.
But you say “I want them to restrain themselves.”
From what? Because it’s what you want!
“Yeah, but they need education!”
Who said so?
"Well, if they don’t get education they won’t get a big house."
"They won’t be rich."
"But they will be poor!"
And I will go back and ask you what I asked you before, do you want to follow the Rasul (Peace and blessings be upon him)?
How many chairs did he own?
“Oh this is modern times.”
No it’s beyond it. When he was given a herd of camels, a herd of sheep, a herd of goats, how many did he keep for himself? None. When he was receiving gold and silver and jewels when they were conquering so many lands, and all this money coming to Baytul-Mal, how much did he keep for himself?
Now I’m going to go easy on you, I was pretty tough: But, we are not prophets!
And you go “yeah right thanks, let us off the hook."
And as a matter of fact, the companions were allowed to divide the booty and they were allowed to have things and some of them were wealthy.
“Okay I was scared you were going to send us all to Salvation Army tonight to go to sleep.”
No I’m not. I just want to put your mind for at least for a couple of minutes thinking about what it’s like to do without, just couple of minutes. come on, think about it.
Children have rights and one of their rights is to get married when they are old enough, and not everybody is the same. You don’t teach somebody how to restrain themselves when it comes to this need because not everybody is the same. And I’m going to be real candid with you, don’t get mad at me. But you said something so I need to be candid so you won’t misunderstand the answer, and I don’t really care if you get mad at me anyway. If you need to go to the bathroom, and I tell you “No, I don’t need to go so why do you need to go”, is that fair? No, we both drink this bottle of water, 16.9 ounces, you drink one and I drink one, then I’ll drink another and you'll drink another, and then all of a sudden you say “I need to go to the bathroom” and I say “No, I don’t need to go so you don’t need to go either.” Have you ever ridden in the car with somebody like that? You say, “Could you pull over?" , he says "I don’t need to stop, why do you need to stop?”.
Now, how would you like that when somebody tells you about something that you can't help, this is something for you. He says “I need to go, can I please..” and you say “No, you can't", he says "why?" and you say, "Because I don’t think you need to, I think you can restrain yourself! Can’t you restrain yourself?”
What if somebody has to throw up? And you told them "Well, I don't see why you have to throw up, just hold it. You know, we're going to come up to a roadside park in about half an hour or so, just put your feet in your mouth and don't do it!" Now what will happen?
I used these because I want you to have something to equate this to, some people want very much to get married so that they can legally do what their body is telling them they need to do, and if you don’t, then it’s your fault if they get in trouble. It is your responsibility, you cannot allow them their right to get married, you have to let them have their rights.
You can do it and we did it in our family, I wanted my daughter to get married, and I knew a boy who needed to get married. They were not ready financially? No. They were not ready according to what we call our standards for education, so we talked to both of them and we worked it out. They could get married, still live with their parents. But when they can be together, they can be together and they can take this pressure off.
There is also emotional stress that comes from not knowing, “will I ever get married!, will I ever meet anybody? Will anybody ever care about me?”
This is normal for a boy or a girl, so this solves the problem. They get married, you chose who you think is a good candidate for the girl or the boy, then you go to them and you say “listen, what about and think about this girl or this boy,” and then let them meet and let them decide. But no hanky panky, no being alone together, no writing emails back and forth, no phone conversations unless you are monitoring right there listening until they get married or want to get married, that’s not your business any way. They can talk and do what they want to do. That’s why they get married.
If they do not have intercourse but they are married, they do whatever they want to do, they decide after six weeks, a year or whatever that they don’t want to be married to each other any more, but they don't have intercourse, and decide after six weeks, a year, or whatever, that they don't want to be with each other anymore, they don’t need to be divorced. That can just be cancelled, because they did not consummate the marriage.
Islam has something very nice, that is better than engagement by the way. Because during this time, if they have intercourse and have a baby, then it's a legal baby, they can still be divorced of course, if they needed to. But at least the baby has a proper name and proper respect from both parties. But if the girl remains a virgin and they don’t have intercourse and they would like to not be married after they find out about each other that they don't get along or something like that, then it is cancelled and she is still considered as a virgin girl because she is, but she has to give back the Mahr, it’s not fair for her to keep the forty thousand dollars.
This is a problem, people want too much money. The parents, the families are turning this into a money making deal, and it’s wrong. Stop trying to live their lives for them, let them have their rights.
Sheikh Yusuf Estes